The Boss was getting excited watching this Usain Bolt feller running a hundred metres in 9.81 seconds. Apparently he's done it before, two or three times. And won gold medals for it.
Well, I can run a hundred metres under ten seconds any old day I like and I don't get any medals. Can't see what all the fuss is about. And Usain doesn't even get airborne, as far as I can see.
I mean, look at me here. I'm four foot off the ground and STILL doing the hundred under ten. I don't even get a bone for it, let along get an airplane trip to Rio. I reckon I'd like Rio, with all these athletes like me, and I could beat most of them. I'm just waiting for the long jump so I can laugh.
The Boss was looking at me in a disappointed way the other night when this Michael Phelps was in the pool. "Even you can't swim that fast, General," he said. "This bloke would eat you for breakfast."
I don't know exactly what he meant by that. I don't want to be eaten for breakfast. And for that matter, I don't think he'd want to eat me either, the way the Boss turns his nose up every time I roll in a bit of cow poo.
But swim I can. This Phelps feller moves through the pool pretty quick, but he can only hang on for a few ticks and he comes out panting. Whereas I can swim all day. We Chessies have these webbed feet, a bit like a duck - the Boss says my ancestors used to bring in fishing nets on Chesapeake Bay, which is where my name comes from. The Boss knows these things.
I like to surprise him when he's fishing - he nips off up the river in his boat so I wait a while then head off after him. Does he get a shock when I appear paddling right behind the boat when he's dragging one of his silly floppy lures along. Carries on like I'm messing things up, when he should be giving me a gold medal.
I got too close last time and had one catch me on the chin. He must have thought he caught a fish because he yelled a lot and sounded quite disappointed. It stung something terrible when he pulled it out - he can be a bit rough sometimes.
Then he dragged me into the boat by my collar and dumped me up the front where I slipped and slithered around. So I stood up and shook all the water off, which made him go a bright red colour. I just wagged my tail - what would you do? Woof.